Making a Grimace is not my first crochet project; last year, I crocheted rakhis, but that was mostly to learn the skills so I could feel comfortable enough in my abilities to start my project.

Planning Stage

The pattern called for size 4 worsted-weight yarn, and you crochet with two strands held together. I only had 8-ply purple yarn, which is thinner than worsted weight, which is around 10-ply. ChatGPT recommended that using three strands together would yield a thickness similar to that called for in the original pattern. But I just used the two strands held together. I made the leg first as the pattern said, but the holes seemed too big, so I undid it, reduced the hook size, and used invisible decreases common in Amigurumi. I then remade the leg, and it looked better.

First Attempt

I then made the other leg, and that’s when I realised that the two legs not looking the same would annoy me. Which led me to redo each leg a couple of times. Eventually, I realised it would be a problem no matter how many times I crocheted the legs.

Second Attempt

Once the legs were completed, the challenging part was joining them together. I didn’t understand the instructions at the joining round. I asked my friend, who has a crochet Instagram page (link here to follow), but I didn’t get it. I then asked ChatGPT, but it needed more information, and I didn’t feel comfortable feeding the whole pattern in. It was also useless, so I deleted my ChatGPT account. Anyway, I then decided to email the pattern maker; she responded within two working days. She showed me a video on her YouTube channel, and it solved my problem!

However, based on the videos, I felt I was crocheting wrong as the legs curved in the opposite direction to how she crocheted in her videos. I watched a bunch of left-handed crochet videos and redid the legs. Based on her video, I then joined the legs and merrily crocheted the body according to the pattern. Stuffing as required.

Third Attempt

When I was nearly finished, I still had so much yarn left. I wanted to use up all the yarn, so I undid the whole thing, untangling it and everything.

I then redid the pattern with the original hook size and three strands of yarn held together. It felt firmer but wasn’t unworkable. This time, I only had a little bit of each yarn remaining when I completed the body and closed it off.

Making the arms and face

For the arms, I actually used the yarn I had used for the legs before because it wasn’t enough to redo the legs, but it was enough to make both arms, so I added a third strand and made the arms.

Based on the pattern, I then crocheted the eyes and the mouth. I had some white yarn of a miscellaneous type and brought some black yarn. They looked pretty good.

The eyes required black buttons that were ¼ inch (6.35mm) for the pupils, but I didn’t have small enough buttons at the house, and Spotlight only had 8mm as the smallest ones, and they were a 12-pack. Which begged the question, what would I do with the rest of the buttons? I then decided to make the pupils with black yarn.

The Face

Then the question was how to attach everything. I watched a couple of videos and attached the arms. I am a bit concerned about them coming out, but moving it a lot didn’t distort the stitches, so I am not as concerned.

To attach the face pieces to the body, I watched some videos related to sewing flat pieces onto a plushie. Based on the videos, I then sewed everything on. Then, with the remaining yarn and some embroidery string I had, I did the finishing, such as the tongue, eyelids, and eyebrows.

Final Thoughts

Well, there you have it, in about three months, I finally finished my crochet project, two years in the making. I have now completed a Grimace! He does have that homemade look and I think I added too much stuffing. The stitches were a bit loose, so in some places you can see the stuffing inside. Still, I think he is really cute. If only the Grimace Shake were still available for him to enjoy. Oh well, he will have to make do with this one.

The Covenant of Water by Abraham Verghese

Back in 2023-4, I had PREZZY cards I needed to use up, and one way I thought I could do that was to buy books. I am not a book collector. I don’t like buying books I won’t reread, but I was drawn to this book. I felt this was a book I would want to read at various stages of my life. I took it with me to Fiji and India twice, but I never got around to it. I ended up reading it this month. It took me a month for a multitude of reasons. I read it with a dictionary because there were words, I didn’t know the meaning of, and I didn’t want to miss their meaning by inferring, as I am inclined to do. Some of the words seemed a bit ostentatious, like recumbent instead of reclining and rent instead of tear? Who uses rent in that context anymore? But the book was over 700 pages, so I have a lot of thoughts, brace yourselves. (To be honest, if you saw me whilst reading this book, you already know how I feel).

The book is set in Kerala in the 1990s. It follows Big Ammachi, the matriarch of the Parambil family, from the day she is a 12-year-old to be married to her 40-year-old husband, to the different roles she takes on throughout her long life. We see her evolve from a girl into a wife, mother, and then grandmother. I was really drawn to hearing her story, as I feel it is similar in some ways to my grandmothers’ and great-grandmothers’ stories, despite the differences in religion, culture, and language. All my grandparents died before I was old enough to pick their brains about their lives, how the country changing affected them, and it’s a story often untold. So, I am glad the author’s mother’s life loosely inspires the book.

Reading this book was a human experience; it moved me, and, having finished it, I felt sad to let these characters go. I always get too attached to long books, or if I read a series altogether. I felt a lot of emotions: joy, hope, sadness, grief, hurt, betrayal, indignation, annoyance, laughter and inspiration. Mostly to write about my thoughts on this book. Based on my unspoiled thoughts, the book is separated into parts. It does follow different characters, which, when this first happened, annoyed me because the first part kind of ended in a tragedy. I wanted to know what happened next, but instead, the book shifted to a different character’s perspective, which I found really unwelcoming because nowhere in the back of the book did it say we would have other characters’ perspectives, and those, too, who weren’t part of the main family. It was set in a different place as well. Then the book got me again because it ended part two on a cliffhanger, and I was like, “Now I want to know what happened to this character I didn’t even like.” “Why?”

At 700 pages, it is still somehow a hard book to put down. There were times when I just felt mad, or sad, or another emotion that made me feel I didn’t want to finish it because I could see where it was going, and I didn’t want to go there. These revelations always coincided with the last chapter that I wanted to read before bed. But after the initial investment, how could I not finish the book?

Then, to make matters worse, 600 pages in, we, the reader, would feel betrayed. I had to stop reading because I was travelling, and I knew I couldn’t finish it then, so I had to sit with that feeling. I thought coming back after a week would lessen the blow of the betrayal, but no. I was simmering with it and would complain to everyone about how this book personally wronged me.

I took it personally, and then I had to analyse why I felt so betrayed and what it revealed about me. See how this is jobless behaviour? The betrayal changed how I felt about some of the characters whom I used to sympathise with, and although it tied the story up with all the various perspectives. I felt it sidelined my favourite characters and their story. But given how big the story is, I can essentially choose what I find most important. It might seem that the book romanticises things we shouldn’t, but most of the joy and happiness the characters find come from trying to make the best of a tough situation. It is hard to come out of this book thinking, “It romanticises age gaps, cheating, etc,” when the narrative will punish the characters quite ruthlessly and repeatedly.

Funnily enough, as the title of the book is called the Covenant of water, like water rushing down a river to meet the ocean or rain falling to meet the ground, the world moves around the characters’ lives, undeterred and unfeeling about the human strife. It is just larger than what we humans find important. It connects the past, present, and the future. As well as all the generations of the Parambil family. In that way, we see history unfold in the book; we follow the Great War, World War 2, the independence movement, and other historical events throughout these characters’ lives. There was some stuff I didn’t know because I am ignorant, like India’s contribution to the World Wars; I only knew it in terms of rations and famine. I was unaware of the human cost: in World War 1, 1 million troops served, and in WW2, 2.5 million troops served, making it the largest volunteer army in history. Nor that Japan bombed Madras or present-day Chennai in 1943. It does feel like the colonies’ contributions to the World Wars were deliberately erased rather than simply ignored. This was despite the British reluctance to use India, as they feared they would be training future rebel leaders. It was also interesting to read how distant the Partition was to the characters in Kerala, despite how I imagine people in Gujarat felt. Then there is the whole Naxalite movement, I had no idea of it at all and still don’t understand. It does make me want to dive deeper.

What I also found interesting is that the Parambil family are Christian, and how their Christianity is shaped by the dominant Hindu religion. Christianity doesn’t have casteism (in the Indian way). Yet, they practised it, having different utensils for the Pulayer who worked on the farm, despite them being considered “family.” Or that Saint Thomas Christian women have a version of the thaali or mangalsutras. Interesting how a religion adapts based on the culture it is in.

Throughout the book, we also see how a woman’s choices have expanded over the ages. Big Ammachi, when she was married at 12 after her father died, had no choice in the matter. Then her daughter-in-law, a budding artist, is too limited in her choices by the men around her. Her dad supports her career, but after him, she would be dependent on her brother, thus limiting her choices. So, she chose a husband who would support her artistic endeavours. Her granddaughter, who at the end of the book was 27, had even more choices than her mother. She was able and encouraged to pursue her career. Although there are many choices we can make, we need to make the “right” choices that society demands of us. We are lucky to have this privilege that women have died for us to choose. Also, to remember the progress we have made in just three generations and how far we still need to go.

There is also a lot more human suffering in the book, and there are so many themes it covers, love, addiction, friendship, marriage, trauma, grief, religion and child mortality. There are so many diseases that are major factors in the book, causing tragic deaths as they did in eons past. Smallpox, leprosy, whooping cough, polio, cholera, plague, etc., people don’t even think of how revolutionary vaccines and antibiotics were. But they were! I find it funny that, despite not seeking out books with a medical focus, they still find me.

One of my favourite characters was Big Ammachi. She was dealt a bad hand, but she made the most of it, and despite all the ups and downs in her life, she didn’t let them affect her faith or close off her heart. Her resolve, resilience and ability to love so unconditionally were all qualities I wish to grow, especially her hopefulness.

My issues occur in the middle of the book; it is a bit frustrating because we move away from the original main characters and focus on the second generation. Two characters constantly annoy me. Both kept making decisions rooted in trauma, and if there was some introspection, I feel they would have made better decisions. Not here, instead, a tragedy strikes, setting the stage for the final parts of the book. I was also shocked to learn that characters I thought would be there for the entire book fade out or pass away. But I guess that is life, what close friends and family look like when we are younger is a lot different to what they would look like in 20 or 50 years.

Overall, this was a great book. When I finished it, I wanted to read it again to pick up on the clues and hints so I could see where it was going sooner. There are some problematic elements of the book; I didn’t view them as necessarily romanticising. There was one relationship I was not a fan of. I had to keep reminding myself it was a different era, and that people were placed in situations they wouldn’t have chosen otherwise. I feel that if someone read this book, they too would feel as I do.

Mistakes were Made by Meryl Wisner

The greatest mistake was my reading this book. I usually don’t read book reviews until after I have written down my thoughts, but with this book, I did it immediately because I knew they wouldn’t change. I picked this book because the booktuber Cindy had good things to say about it. It did seem messy, and I was reading for the mess, but I felt it was messy in the wrong way. The story follows Cassie, who learns that the woman (Erin) she had a one-night stand with is her best friend, Parker’s mum. It has a dual perspective. Now, when I picked it up, I thought Cassie would be a Grad student. However, she is actually a senior, which changed my perception of the dynamic. Like, me personally, at my age, I find 21-year-olds young and look young. So, I just felt like what does this almost 40-year-old see here.

The book felt overwritten, as for every action a character takes, the writer feels it’s important to tell us their intention. For example, “she smirked to show her arrogance”. Come on, people. Personally, I feel a book with a problematic element should do more work to make us root for the couple. Here, for instance, I thought maybe Cassie is more mature, so there isn’t such a big maturity age gap. But no, Cassie acts like a typical college student in a movie, so I felt confused again about the compatibility. We have instances of how Cassie and Erin interact with and without Parker, and it shifts from maternal and comforting to flirting and domineering so instantly that it felt jarring. In one scene, I found Erin’s actions quite predatory, and I thought that if a man had done this, it would not have flown (never a good thing to say about a romance book). The book also doesn’t sell them as having anything more than sexual chemistry. Both also have immature reasons behind their attraction. Erin feels flattered to be wanted by a young person and believes she’s always done the right thing in life. Cassie feels she’s constantly been overlooked, so she likes that she is so irresistible to Erin that she’s willing to ruin her relationship with Parker. Uh, how is this a healthy dynamic? Erin also goes to therapy, and so we have the most useless therapist ever. Like, why, as a therapist, is she not asking, “Are you attracted to Cassie because you see it as a way to relive your youth because you felt you missed out?” That’s the question I wanted the book to answer, and it doesn’t.

I found the book a bit too crass for my liking. It also was at the expense of convincing me of their compatibility as equals, especially as the way each character describes the other is through “She’s f***ing hot”, like come on, give a reason for this supposed hotness. At some point, I was reading to see how Parker reacts to this relationship dynamic, and when it is revealed, we find out she’s fine with it because she processed it all off-page. Talk about a cop-out; it felt completely lazy, and they could have cut 50 pages from the book to develop that. The happy-ever-after also felt unearned, and I don’t think it answers how the dynamics would actually play out. I feel it is important to read stories from different backgrounds, but this one I should have skipped.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

This book is set after The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. It focuses on Tom’s friend, Huckleberry Finn, who runs away from home with the enslaved Jim. Jim is about to be sold, and Huckleberry fakes his own death to escape his abusive father, who kidnaps him following the events of the first book. This book is way darker than Tom Sawyer, as it deals with the themes of parental abuse and neglect, con artists, slavery and alcoholism, etc. It is written in the local dialects and is a bit hard to follow, but I did get used to it after a while. The book was written to criticise slavery at the time; however, now it has fallen out of grace due to its usage of the N-word and the way it describes Jim, which I think is a sign of progress. It is definitely a product of its time. It reveals some of the dynamics that existed between black and white people in America at the time.

I think it was an interesting book. I am somewhat naïve about the dynamics of bad parents, and this book explores that through Huck’s relationship with his dad. We see him navigate really adult scenarios with a childlike naivety. His moral compass: he wants to see Jim free, but he also feels guilty about betraying his “owner,” who was so kind to him. I found the book funny as well, especially because Huck is so bad at lying and always gets caught. Hilarities also ensue when Tom Sawyer comes into the picture during the last part of the book. Tom is a menace and has such a wild imagination. Huck goes along with it because he worships Tom or because it would be easier to go along with Tom than to convince him otherwise.

I don’t regret reading it, and I wouldn’t discourage others from reading it; it isn’t my taste. But I am really looking forward to reading James by Perceival Everett, which is fan fiction about this series.

I want to die, but I want to eat Tteokbokki by Baek Se-Hee (translated by Anton Hur)

I think I was motivated to pick up this book by the title and the good things I’d heard about it online. It is described as part memoir, part self-help book and is about a stage in the author’s life where she goes to therapy for her dysthymia (a form of mild depression). The author is unfortunately no longer with us, so I am going to be kind. The book lacks substance because it contains transcriptions of the therapy notes but doesn’t do anything with them. We don’t get much deeper insight into what the author feels beyond her notes. I finished the entire book in one setting, and I didn’t feel like it moved me. The author is somewhat relatable in that she often feels negative emotions and then feels guilty about feeling that way. My other takeaway was how interesting it was to see Korean culture’s obsession with beauty reflected in some of the insecurities and discussions the author has with her therapist. Otherwise, I wish I had more to say, but I don’t. I will read the next one, though.

I want to die, but I still want to eat Tteokbokki by Baek Se-Hee (translated by Anton Hur)

I read this book shortly after finishing the first one, over the course of an afternoon. This book is the same as the first in recording the author’s therapy sessions. But it contains more heavy subject material (TW: Self-harm, suicide ideation, eating disorder, fatphobia), because she is going through a rough time, and it leads to some drastic actions. The conversations with the Psychiatrist are more in-depth than in the previous book, and we see more of both parties’ personalities. I said previously that the first book lacks substance because it doesn’t reflect the therapy sessions. But with this book, I find it hard to judge it solely on the material, without considering the author’s death. What I see here is a woman in need of help, and I feel the help she received was inadequate. Like, she claims she is getting better! She feels less depressed, but her actions and feelings don’t seem to mirror that. It seems she is hiding those from her therapist as well. I know it is a bit complicated because we don’t truly know what she felt, and we don’t know the exact cause of her death. But she had a habit of swinging from one extreme to another, and I find it hard to see the positivity of where we left the book, when it seems she is swapping one coping mechanism for another.

What I would say is the Psychiatrist is not the best. I don’t have experience with mental health providers, but they got on my nerves. They are inappropriate and dismissive of the author’s concerns and insecurities. Like she keeps telling them she wants to quit her job, and they say that she is just being too extreme. Then they sometimes encourage her body dysmorphia, like I know there is a cultural difference, but still. I don’t think these two books were for me because I found them flat, but I can see how they would help people feel comforted knowing that others feel this way too. There is a level of naval gazing and self-pity here that is deeply human, and I appreciate it, as others do. So, I won’t discourage anyone from reading these two books.

My Friends by Hisham Matar

Sometimes you read a book and are glad that you chose it. My Friends is about Khaled and his friends, Hosam and Mustafa. They are all Libyan and were brought together by their shared exile from their home country. Although the entire book is set as Khaled walks home to his flat in London after bidding Hosam adieu, for what he thinks is the last time. He reminisces about his life, what led him to this moment, and how his friends have impacted him in different ways. The book follows Khaled as he comes to study in Edinburgh, and how his life is affected after he and his friend Mustafa protest at the Libyan embassy. That fateful day the Libyan officials fired guns on those peaceful protesters an event I was shocked to find actually happened. Libya was a dictatorship under Gaddafi’s rule and had a strict stronghold on its citizens; letters were opened beforehand, phone calls were eavesdropped on, and there were people specially there to spy on their citizens. My parents are immigrants and I found it interesting in comparing the difference between their lives, people who can travel freely between their home and adopted country and Khaled and his friends who are exiled. Each friend lives as if they were trees cut off from their roots.

Hosam and Mustafa are unable to stay grounded at all, whereas Khaled lives a safe life and is unable to take risks. We follow the friends through the fall of Gaddafi that occurred in 2011, and how they were motivated or not to join the cause (I swear I am not spoiling; this is revealed in the first few chapters). I actually followed the fall of Gaddafi back in 2011 and wrote an essay for English class. This wasn’t when we took essays home, so I don’t have a copy, nor know what my grade was. I think my essay criticised American imperialism, and my pessimism about how overthrowing a dictator doesn’t seem to bring peace in the region. It was interesting to be looking back at a historical event that I lived through written about from the perspective of it occurring in the past.

Anyway, the book is well written; I felt like I was walking alongside Khaled through the pages. I felt his fear, his pain and the joy. It made me think of my friends and how they impacted my life, the ones I still have and the friendships that ran their course. I was deeply moved by this book. It was on the Booker Prize long list of 2024, and I think it is definitely up there with my favourites.

This was my first time travelling internationally alone and my first time leaving the airport in Australia. Melbourne seems interesting because it is apparently just like Wellington, but with a population of 5.5 million people, I am a bit unconvinced. With that said, let’s look at what I did.

Emporium Melbourne

I have been to Melbourne airport before, but this time I left! My friend and her flatmate picked me up, and we went to their flat. After I had unloaded my stuff, we took a tram into the city, public transport is free because of the fuel crisis this month. My first impression is that there is a lot of greenery, and the houses are mostly brick. I also saw hookway turns, and I don’t understand the need for it.

We got off at the Emporium, a mall. My friend, then led me to an alley, and I said, “Are we supposed to be here?” She said these are “laneways” and that there are shops down here. She led me to a bakery where we got a pastry, then we wandered the mall. It was larger than the malls back home, and the clothes stores had better pickings. We went inside EB Games, as they aren’t in NZ anymore, and Uniqlo. There were so many clothes, but no point in overhauling my wardrobe now. We went to another street where I had an iced matcha latte and an ube cheesecake. It tasted sweet and earthy, so good!

State Library Victoria

We next went to the State Library Victoria, established in 1854 and the oldest public library in Australia. There were paintings and some history about Melbourne. I liked seeing how different the city looked now compared to the paintings in the gallery. There are digital spaces and reading rooms, but most of our time went to Rebel Heart: Love letters and other declarations.

Quite fitting for single people like us. The exhibition explored the history of love in the city, from people writing letters to creating mixtapes, sending text messages, and even using AI chatbots. Some of these also included expressions of appreciation in fandoms, such as through writing fan fiction or sharing friendship bracelets at the Eras concert. Fascinating.

ACMI Museum

From the library, we went to get a pastry from Lune, but our stomachs betrayed us, so we went to the museum nearby. The Australia Centre for the Moving Image is Australia’s national museum of screen culture. It went through the history of motion pictures, gaming, and television, and you could collect information on the exhibits through discs. It started with storytelling through shadows, then we moved on to stage plays. We saw the set of a stop-motion animated film set in Melbourne, as well as other animated shows. It was really interactive, creative and innovative. It made you appreciate human ingenuity and learn about locally produced films and TV shows.

Royal Arcade

From the museum, we went to the Royal Arcade, Melbourne’s oldest covered shopping precinct, built in 1869. Why? Because we were cold, and it has a Koko Black store, where we shared an orange-flavoured hot chocolate. It was sweet, refreshing, and soothing, with a chocolate flavour. I also tried their chocolate, and it was really good. We wandered through a few shops, including the gift shops in the Royal Arcade and Mecca nearby. We had dinner at a Korean burger place, and we called it a day!

The Rose St. Artists’ Market

In the morning, we went to get coffee and a pastry before sightseeing. On the way, we passed a place that sold tofu doughnuts near the University of Melbourne; the doughnuts were up to 50% tofu. I remember asking my friend, “How did you even find this place?” We then arrived at the Rose St. Artists’ Market, where local artists showcased their work for sale. Some of the stuff was so cool and really pretty. My problem is that I always get inspired to create art rather than buy it.

The Fitzroy Mills Market

Nearby, another market had a more Saturday market vibe. Where you could get produce, clothes, art, jewellery, and books. We spent a lot of time at the book stall and the jewellery one, coming out empty-handed. Just not big consumers, I guess.

From there, we went down the main street of the suburb, which had some cute shops. I brought some gifts, and then we went back into the city.

David Myers

This time we went to the David Myers department store. It is quite big, and they had a café that sold so many desserts, but was so full. It was also community day in Pokémon Go, so we were playing it. We wandered there and to the mall, had bubble tea and an iced matcha. We went back to the flat on the train and ordered pizza for dinner.

South Melbourne Market

The next day, we went to South Melbourne market, which is less of a tourist trap than the Queen Victoria market. It had your usual fanfare: clothes, gifts, produce, jewellery, and pastries. I tried the dim sims, which are Chinese dumplings deep-fried and popular in Australia. They were really good. Quite filling compared to regular dumplings. There were so many cool shops to browse and buy from, I guess.

South Melbourne

We then wandered the nearby streets, bought a pastry from a pop-up store, and went to a second-hand bookstore to browse books. Then there was a store that sold Japanese pottery. It was really cool. I bought Maneki-neko (Feng Shui lucky cats) for my mum and cousin, as they were so cute.

City Centre again

We then went deeper into the city and wandered in and out of bookstores. I found a comic book store, Minotaur. They had a special edition of my favourite comic book ever, so I brought myself an early birthday present (Yes, I know it is six months away). We then had bubble tea.

Chinatown

We then went to Chinatown in Melbourne and had dinner at a Malaysian restaurant. It was a nice way to end my visit. Then it was time to pack, as I had a relatively early flight the next day.

Final Thoughts

Overall, my time in Melbourne was pretty fun; it was a breath of fresh air to my daily routine. Emphasis on the fresh, as I was cold the entire time. I have always been upset about living in NZ, given that NZ and Australia don’t have coat weather. But with how naturally cold I am, coatwear and knitwear are a sound investment for me.

The food scene in Melbourne is pretty interesting, though my ventures are more into bubble tea, pastries, and matcha lattes. The food is very diverse, with so many fusion restaurants and bakeries.

Everyone says Melbourne is really similar to Wellington, but I would say it is a bit more complicated than that. Both cities have similar weather and appreciate a good coffee, but there are differences. I found Melbourne to be cleaner than Auckland and Wellington, and it smelled better, but there is way more graffiti in Melbourne, even in the nicer areas. It was also quite jarring not to see mountains everywhere I looked, as the landscape is flat. Architecture is another difference: NZ architecture, I feel, is influenced purely by the UK, whereas Melbourne architecture was influenced by other places as well, like China, Italy, etc.

If I were to go back to Melbourne, I don’t know the specific reason, but I saw Melbourne through my friend’s eyes. It would be nice to broaden my horizons a bit. Like, Melbourne is really inspired by Italy as well, so I would want to try their Italian food, then go to the museums (we ran out of time), and try the pastries from other places I missed out on. Be more intentional about where I get coffee from so I can properly compare the coffee culture of Melbourne and Wellington. However, the most important thing would be to walk with purpose, because no matter which way I walked, I was constantly in everyone’s way!

Everyone who congratulates me always tells me that I must feel so proud or so happy to have graduated. I can see why, seeing all those sleepless nights, revising, studying, endless rewriting, exams, etc., culminating in walking across the stage in a regalia, shaking the vice-chancellor’s hand and getting that degree you worked so hard for at the end. It should mean something. Yet, I have never felt happy at any of my graduations. I think it’s because graduation is supposed to close a chapter in your life and signal the start of another one. But graduation has never been that for me. My BSc graduation marked the end of my degree, and I had no idea what to do after. So much so that I went back to school. With my BE(Hon) degree, I was already in my master’s program. Then, with my master’s degree, I have been gone long enough that it doesn’t mark the end, and with where my life is, it hasn’t marked the start of another chapter either. But at least university is in the rearview mirror. For now…

One of the most interesting things about me is my education; after all, it’s the only thing people ask me about when I get interviewed. I always word-salad through my answer, but the truth is, I don’t know. I think it’s hard to form a narrative when the story is unfolding, but it’s also because I haven’t actually sat down to make sense of it. So here I am trying to make sense of it. But I will tell the truth: my name is Pooja Patel, and ever since I was 10 years old, I wanted to be a doctor.

The Dream

Being a doctor wasn’t the first career I wanted; I, as a kid, liked maths and drawing. I was always the best artist in my class, and the sides of my notebook would be filled with drawings if I didn’t have to keep them clean. I remember in Year 5, my teacher said I was most likely to be an artist or fashion designer because I loved drawing clothes. I was probably inspired by my then-favourite TV show, That’s So Raven, as well. At one point, I had at least five girls in my class ask me to design their wedding dresses when the time came. Unfortunately, my mum wasn’t supportive of my ambition, and watching the 2008 movie Fashion, being a designer really lost its appeal. Seriously yikes.

After that, I was lowkey interested in architecture, but then my cousin passed away suddenly. I remember him telling me way back. “That none of us cousins have become doctors, so you should do it”. So, I wanted to be a doctor to honour him. It seemed to be a good career aspiration; it was academically rigorous, and there were a ton of options to choose from. After the film Bhool Bhulaiyaa was released in 2007, I became inclined toward Psychiatry. I used to love reading books about medicine (the ones at my school library geared towards kids). Every year, on the careers NZ website, whenever we had to take the career interest quiz, I always got a doctor, or a type of doctor, as my number 1 choice. Hence, I never questioned it.

I remember, in Year 11, when I was working on an art project, my dad told me, on our walks together. “If you don’t want to be a doctor, it is fine, there are tons of different career pathways out there, you have the talent and can work hard to do other stuff. We all don’t need to be [insert the name of your very smart cousin, but mine was smarter].” I told my dad, no I want to be a doctor. I honestly believed it, and I didn’t think too hard about it.

The cracks appearing

The veneer of the dream started to chip in 2014. I had applied to the Rotary Science and Technology Forum and had gotten in. The summer before Year 13, I was at science camp with some of the smartest students in the country. They were so much smarter, more self-assured, and put-together than I was. I really felt like the small-town bumpkin, and to make matters worse, they were all so nice as well. Anyway, most of them also wanted to be doctors, which made me feel somewhat inadequate. Then we had mentors, some of whom were in medical school at Otago and Auckland, and they gave a talk that did scare me. On the last night of that camp, during the speech, we were told, “If your dreams don’t scare you, they simply aren’t big enough,” and with that message, I went home. Being a doctor scared me, but I wasn’t disheartened yet.

At the Science camp, we also learned about different career pathways. I learned that I leave really good fingerprints, so a forensic scientist advised me to avoid a life of crime (tragic). Basically, we were doing first-year labs, and one of my favourites was the ELECTENG 101 lab, where you used logic circuits to control a robotic car. I thought it was so cool, and what we learned about the department was so interesting, that I thought Engineering would be a cool pathway. Back then, I thought I wasn’t creative enough for engineering, and I found physics hard. To get into Engineering at the University of Auckland, you needed to pass all the Level 3 physics and maths externals, which seemed way harder to me than the Mean Rank Score of 280 needed to get into Biomedical Science.

Year 13 wasn’t easy for me. The problem was that we didn’t have a Level 3 Physics class; there wasn’t much demand for it, so we had to do it via video conference. Where we would miss at least 4 periods to go do Physics. So, I was constantly playing catch-up; the only subject I was ahead in was Calculus because I would do calculus homework when I was stressed. Doing calculus homework while listening to The Arkham Sessions was bliss for 17-year-old me. When we talked about university, it seemed inevitable. Still, everyone told me I would be competing with students who study up to 8 hours after school. That’s the level of commitment you need to give.

I, at the time, thought I couldn’t do it because of all my other obligations. But during university, I will, of course, study that much. Year 13 was a series of disappointments: I didn’t get DUX, the Level 3 calculus excellent endorsement or even the Level 3 NCEA excellent endorsement, and then I didn’t get into Biomedical Science. But I didn’t give up on medicine; it just meant life was taking me to Otago. Then, a week before O-week at Otago started, I got into Biomedical Science at UOA. I preferred Auckland because I had been to the campus before and would be closer to family. Plus, I am always cold. I accepted the offer, and it was official: I was going to study Biomedical Science at UOA.

Reality

The first year is still hard for me to revisit, but I will try to keep it short and hit only the main points. I remember on Orientation Day, we had a lecture where they basically told us, “You were the smartest people at your school, the top of your year. Now, every one of you is that.” It was scary, and I guess it was a reality check. But that wasn’t the only time in Biomed you got reminded of that fact. Every conversation with someone in lectures used to go like this:

Them: “Hi… what are you studying?”

Me: “Biomed, you?”

Them: “Same, are you trying to get into med?”

Me: “Maybe.”

Them: “Do you know how hard it is? Only about 250 people get in. I heard last year you needed a GPA of 7.90”

Me: “Yeah, it is hard.”

Some people wanted to psyche you out, see you fail, so they could even the odds somehow. I personally never thought of myself as the exception to the rule; for instance, if there are 1100 people in Biomed and only 250 get in, I didn’t think the odds were in my favour. On a personal level, I felt my previous study techniques didn’t work, and neither did the new ones. Studying and understanding the content wasn’t the only important thing; your marks were equally important. They haunted my every waking moment. Sometimes, when I couldn’t sleep, I would calculate the marks I needed to get a good grade and so on. Plus, everyone being as mark-obsessed as you really made everything worse.

[Aside: In hindsight, there are some things I would have done differently, but we can’t go backwards]

What also made me feel pressure was that my parents were so excited about me doing Biomed that they told everyone. When I would say I’m struggling, everyone just told me I was being too hard on myself or to work harder. Or they would reassure me that it’s not the end of the world. But eventually I didn’t do well in my Exams and even failed a course in Semester 1. However, I still continued with Biomed because I found the coursework interesting and thought I still needed to prove I could do it. There was still the grad pathway if needed.

However, in Semester 2, I did give up, not on purpose, but to feel less sad. I used to spend my waking non-studying hours watching Dragonball Z. It was also, for some reason, easier to sell people on the narrative that I didn’t study hard enough than say I studied really hard and still failed. Anyway, I failed MEDSCI 142 in Semester 2 as well.

Apoptosis

In 2016, my second year, I didn’t meet the subject or GPA requirements to take the courses to continue in Biomed. I didn’t know what to live for, but I thought giving up would be too easy. I couldn’t let the first real struggle in my life defeat me. It was challenging because I couldn’t retake the paper I failed, since my GPA was too low, but I couldn’t take other papers, as that was a prerequisite. It made me think that maybe I shouldn’t have been in that paper in the first place, then.

I didn’t get the next step on what to do, but I found that in my degree, I could take some unrelated courses like maths, stats, and a gen ed course. I eventually got mostly A’s, I think. This allowed me to redo MEDSCI 142 and take the second-year core papers. I studied harder and passed, but I didn’t do as well as in the Semester 1 courses.

I gave my all and still couldn’t get better than a B-. It meant my GPA wouldn’t be high enough to get into medicine. My sister told me then, “You are so good at maths, why don’t you switch to maths or engineering?” But the major I was enrolled in didn’t want me, so why would any other degree or major want me? So, I persisted; I enjoyed the courses in my major, I could do something else even if it isn’t medicine, and it would only be a year, give or take. I completed my BSc degree without any more surprises. Unfortunately, my GPA wasn’t high enough for any of the postgraduate pathways.

New Beginnings

After my BSc, I went to chat with the Work and Income case workers, where we quickly tried to figure out what I should do, but it was clear that it was more studying. I had the privilege of studying more because I didn’t really have obligations. I had the freedom to study something else, if needed. But what was that something else? My sister and dad reminded me of how good I am at maths, so why not pursue something in that? That year, I attended Victoria University of Wellington’s Open Day for clarity. As I already had a BSc, I couldn’t study maths in depth. But engineering was a possibility; there was an alternative pathway into Engineering based on your Semester 1 grades, and you could transfer into the program. So, I did a Certificate of Proficiency.

I remember coming back from Auckland at the end of the semester with the certainty that if I didn’t get in, I would do a PGDip in Teaching, even though it wasn’t quite clear what subjects I could teach.

A new hope

That semester break, I remembered I had a fight with my sister a few days before, and we weren’t talking. But she was still the first person I showed the offer email to, and that was the first time she talked to me. She was like, “What?” I had gotten into Engineering, and I was a bit surprised, as my sister and her friends had tried to go through this pathway but didn’t get in. At the beginning, I thought I didn’t want to sit idly by as we accelerated towards climate change; instead, I wanted to contribute to a more sustainable planet. I didn’t know how. I didn’t have a specialisation in mind; I was like, let me see which subjects I enjoy or gravitate towards and decide based on that.

I was nervous, but at my first tutorial, many people around my age had come back to do engineering, so I immediately felt at ease, my insecurity gone. I still didn’t think much about it, but I said I wouldn’t stay if I didn’t like it or didn’t get a fairly good grade. After we got the results back for the first test, I said, “This is something I can do and want to continue.” I ended up choosing Computer Systems because I liked coding, but not enough to do Software Engineering. I was really inspired by the ELECTENG 101 course when we were writing code to control circuitry, as you could see the tangible results. I chose Computer Systems Engineering and got in.

I stand by my decision: CSE had my interest, and I preferred its culture to Biomed’s. People were nicer, and I also felt more confident. It was relatively smooth sailing considering it occurred during the Pandemic. I am grateful for the things I learned, the friends I made and the opportunities it provided. My regret with BE(Hon) is always about why I didn’t do it sooner. I could’ve probably gotten more hardware experience that way!

Why did I do a Master’s

During my third year, I floated the idea of a master’s to my dad. It was only one more year, and it didn’t seem like a time sink at the time. Then, as I didn’t get an internship to complete the practical work requirements between the third and fourth years. It felt like something to do as I couldn’t finish my degree until the second semester anyway. Also, I really enjoyed my Part 4 Project and thought a master’s would be similar.

Whenever lecturers asked me about my future plans, and I told them, they told me to do a PhD instead. Masters are too stressful, and there isn’t enough time. I was adamant to do it, and my sister had traumatised me about PhDs. Then it turned out you can’t do a master’s unless you complete all the requirements of the BE(Hon), so that plan fell through. Luckily, I did find work till then. Eventually, I was able to start my master’s, having met the practical requirements for my BE(Hon).

Master’s

I started my master’s, and I had an interesting project that I was really invested in. I read a lot of papers, but then ran into the common issues with predicting rare events in healthcare. It is an interesting process as you are basically trying to generate results that are meaningful and achievable quickly. Then you have to write a thesis based on what you completed during that time, regardless of the results.

Why not a PhD?

Honestly, I should have done the PhD back then. If I had known I was going to be unemployed for more than two years, I wouldn’t have done the master’s. I would now be in the last year of my PhD if I had done that instead.

What stops me now is that I’m turning 30, and if I go back into academia, I would have no “real” work experience in my 30s. I worry I could never step out of academia if I wished to. Then I feel I never learned to switch off studying. There are so many hobbies I have now that I didn’t have while studying. If I had an idea about my project while I was asleep, I would wake up at 3am to try and implement it. Education consumes me like that. Throughout my entire life, my self-worth has been dictated by academic validation, and I don’t know who I am outside of it.

I jokingly refer to my relationship with education as a toxic relationship, an Ex I keep going back to; one of us is way more invested in it than the other. I always feel that instead of being alone, it’s better to be with them. It’s a comfort zone, and I need to step out of it.

Musings

When I look back at being a Doctor, I think it becomes clear it wasn’t for me. There are 16hr workdays, and working during a pandemic? I couldn’t, but major props to those who did. I like being in control and taking ownership of my work. As a doctor, I would become increasingly frustrated by the lack of control, such as people not following medical advice and not taking aftercare or their medicines seriously. I would become disillusioned with the job and with how I felt about the misinformation during the Pandemic, being a doctor would have made it so much worse.

For the longest time, I wished someone had sat me down and told me, “Pooja, being a doctor is not for you; maybe consider something else.” Honestly, I feel I chose the career for very fickle reasons. If in the 3 Idiots movie, Virus had told his daughters to be doctors instead of engineers, I would probably have chosen that. But it didn’t happen. I wanted to be a doctor, and sometimes you don’t get what you want. Would I try again? See above, being a Doctor through a PhD appeals to me more now. I also developed an aversion to blood along the way. I do have regrets related to Biomed. I wish I hadn’t failed the two core papers; it pushed me to select papers based on what would let me finish my degree quickly, rather than on what interested me. Pharmacology was interesting, especially Drug Toxicity. I still regret not taking the drug toxicity paper!

Why did I care so much?

Whenever I look back at my academic journey, the question that comes up is: Why did I care so much? I would sacrifice games, books, and friendships for the sake of studying. I remained focused, and I let everything fall to the wayside. I try not to let it bother me (we’re all on our own timeline and all that), but what annoys me is that there are so many milestones to adulthood, and for some reason, they stack up. Adulthood, to me, seems like a high jump rather than a ladder with rungs, as it is for others. People want me now to have a stable job, marriage, house, and even kids?! While I am still at the “what would I be when I grow up?” stage. I feel I am constantly behind, which hurts because, due to gender and birth placement, I was forced to be mature for my age. My fear growing up was the words “I didn’t expect that from you, Pooja.”

It is during those times that I wish someone had warned me and made me do engineering from the beginning. But deep down, I know if someone told me that I would have said, “How dare they think that? I am going to prove them wrong,” I wouldn’t have listened.

When you are unemployed and job hunting for long periods of time, you spend a lot of time going, “What is wrong with me?” The list is endless, the harder question is “why would someone hire me, over the 1000s of other applicants?” That I don’t know, I am not the exception. No one else knows either. People closest to you can offer platitudes; some might try to offer advice, but it’s just so out of touch with the current job market. The best people can say is that you’re not alone, but then it’s, “Why would someone hire me over others?”

Eventually, people get tired of hearing your complaints, and when asked if there is anything new, there usually isn’t. This year, I decided to fix that by doing the things I was waiting for a job to do, like learning to crochet, “working on myself”, training for a marathon, baking, making sure I don’t disappear from friends’ lives, etc. Even changing my approach to care less and apply more.

Final Thoughts

I remember when I read Grit by Angela Duckworth, she talks to a Football coach who told her the difference between a good and a bad play is whether you win the game.

That is poignant. If I were working at a Fortune 500 company or at a non-profit that contributes to sustainable business practices, I wouldn’t be monologuing about how woeful it is that I have three degrees. I would be trying to convince everyone that it’s a good idea. That’s why, when people ask me for advice, I always tell them about my experience with the warning that we are different and that my experiences would not be their experience. I stopped planning anything in my life since my first year of biomed, and from my decision-making since, it’s clear that I am flailing through life. Also, ELECTENG 101, how did that influence me so much? And I should listen to my sister more? Brb need to go ask her what to do.

The story is unfolding, and I can’t sum it up nicely. For now, I am grateful for all the people who were there throughout my academic journey. The friends I made, my lecturers, the TAs, the things I learned. At least now, if someone asks me, “So you did Biomed, what made you change to engineering?” I will answer: “Because for the longest time I wanted to be a doctor, and I had to see for myself if I could do it. I couldn’t, but engineering chose me, and I have chosen it every day since.”

In Future

Unwritten.

Yuzu Matcha

When I made this, there was no milk, but I went to grab it. Yuzu is a Japanese citrus fruit. I feel it tastes like grapefruit. So, with the matcha, I found the matcha taste really mild, and the Yuzu overpowered it. It tasted a bit weird with the milk. Not my favourite, but I think I would mix it with just water next time.

Blood Orange Matcha

I made this with milk and water, but less than for the Yuzu matcha. I found the matcha flavour was mild here as well. But the orange didn’t overpower it. I felt you couldn’t taste the orange much. I think the Yuzu matcha has a stronger citrus flavour if you’re into it.

Banana Matcha

I am not a fan of artificial banana flavour, so I was worried about this one. The two flavours, to me, didn’t actually blend together; with one sip, you tasted the matcha more than the banana. The issue, to me, was that the banana flavour tasted like old gum you kept in your mouth too long. It was not a pleasant experience

Raspberry Matcha

I was making this, and as I took my electric whisk out, the cup spilled over, leaving only a tbsp. But for the sake of this article, I drank it. The matcha sachet only had water so far, and it was more concentrated than it should be when consumed. I found the raspberry smell stronger than the actual flavour. It tasted a lot more like matcha with a hint of raspberry than the other flavours, where the flavour has completely overpowered the matcha.

White Choc Matcha

I am not a fan of white chocolate; I find it too sickly sweet, and other than in triple chocolate brownies or cookies, I tend to avoid it. So, imagine my surprise when this is my favourite flavour so far! The white chocolate flavour was subtle and didn’t compete with the matcha. It just made it taste slightly sweeter. The milk just enriched it, and I could imagine enjoying this flavour daily.

Salted Matcha Milkshake

This flavour seemed promising to me, but when I had it, I was immensely disappointed. It didnt taste creamy, and for some reason the saltiness with the bitter flavour of matcha made the whole drink taste savoury, which didn’t go well with the milk. That’s the conclusion I am drawing, because my other thought was that my cup may have been contaminated, but I pulled it out of the dishwasher!

Peach Matcha

Since I haven’t enjoyed the fruit mixes so far, I was hesitant about this one. But then I remembered that I like Peach Green Tea from Gong Cha, so by extension, shouldn’t I like this? Yeah, I didn’t like this. The matcha smelled strongly of the Peach flavour, but when I had it, it just tasted like matcha with an artificial flavour, and it didn’t go well with the milk either. Unfortunately, it was a miss for me.

Brown Sugar Matcha

The flavour that started it all, and it somehow ended up being the last one. I was trying to save the best for last. I will explain my mood when I tried this flavour. I had finished watching a movie and felt groggy, so I thought this would be the right amount of caffeine at 5pm to get me through to 11pm. I think this matcha was at a disadvantage because I had iced matcha that morning, which was everything it should be. This one didn’t live up to the hype. It wasn’t sweet, and the matcha flavour was quite dull. It also wasn’t as creamy as it ought to be, either. I felt let down.

Conclusion

Well, that was all the flavours. I think my favourite was the white choc matcha. The matcha flavour was a good blend, and it had a creamy mouthfeel; the other ones were lacking. My least favourite one was probably the Banana Matcha Milkshake flavour because it didn’t even taste like banana to me, so it wasn’t right. Like Yuzu and orange, at least tasted citrusy, it just wasn’t pleasant with the matcha. I think they should have included their original matcha blend so I could compare the flavours with a control, as I am unsure whether their blend is the issue. Like, I have matcha at home from Daiso, and it tastes pretty good to me. Mind you, I use like a teaspoon of matcha, and these sachets only had 2.5g. So based on their mixing amounts, it would be really diluted, like the first one was.

But over the whole process of trying these sachets, I actually used up my vanilla protein powder. Which is what I planned to drink with my matcha. I think overall, I am not an everyday matcha person, and matcha just doesn’t contain enough caffeine for me. Coffee and chai are my roots and what I prefer. Although this was a fun experiment, I am glad I didn’t buy the big container of T2 brown sugar matcha powder, especially since I didn’t enjoy that flavour. But I am not anti-matcha; I will still go for an iced one anytime, and I have a craving for the Strawberry matcha from Noah’s Ark from time to time. I truly will write about anything, no.

The AI Con: How to Fight Big Tech’s Hype and Create the Future We Want – Exposing Surveillance Capitalism and Artificial Intelligence Myths in Information Technology Today by Emily M. Bender and Alex Hanna

As someone who is job searching and my field is only hiring AI engineers, I was immediately interested when I saw this in the library. But then I went to India and could only find the audiobook version on Spotify and Libby. This is a book I would want to revisit in paperback form. But anyway, in this book, the authors, with a linguistic and social science background, discuss how AI came to be, the previous AI hype cycles, and how the promise of AI is being used to destabilise the workforce and line rich people’s pockets. I have been reading about the ethics of AI and technology in general for a while, so some of this wasn’t new information, like the biases of the models and the blatant use of copyrighted material.

There was new information, such as how AI is being integrated into systems based on its potential and how it is constantly underperforming. They hope to plug existing shortfalls in social services with AI, but then the people promoting this would want “real” doctors, lawyers, nurses, and teachers. (Also, true). I found it interesting that AI-generated code is a security risk. I knew about the environmental costs of AI, but I was unaware of the scale of it, like the growth of AI is going to accelerate climate change, as the biggest companies in the world are tech. A grave statistic is that Google failed to meet its goals for a net-zero carbon future and saw a 48% increase in greenhouse gas emissions from AI use! That is ridiculous, as someone tired of AI being forced into every app. It finally made me delete and block ChatGPT. I mostly used it to create schedules or optimise my routines and related stuff. But I used to manage fine without it; it just took more time, which I have plenty of.

Batman and Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Knight by Travis Langley

I started this book at the beginning of the year and finally finished it after two months. I normally read before bed, but I’ve been so exhausted that I’ve only managed to read a page before falling asleep. My sister got me this book for my birthday, because I wanted to read it for over 10 years now. I always found that Batman is a complex character, so it was interesting reading an analysis of the character from a psychological perspective. The book goes into depth on his origin story, his interpersonal relationships, his motivations, fears, and, of course, his rogues’ gallery. The source material analysed is also quite rich and diverse, as it includes comics, movies, and TV shows.

The story of Batman and me is quite long, and I don’t think it belongs here. I will write it up at some point because thinking about it is making me excited. But I am not as into Batman as I used to be. So, I am always surprised by how much knowledge I have retained or the joy I get from Batman. Like most of the source material covered, I had read or was familiar with somehow, even though I haven’t picked up a comic book since December 2017. It was funny because, when discussing Batman’s avoidant tendencies in relationships, the example given was one I had read and had the same thought as the author did while reading it!

I think the best part of the book was when it discussed the impact a character like Batman can have on his community and in real life. The book mentioned how Batman inspired people to seek out help or to be more hopeful. Which I think was why I was drawn to Batman in the first place: his persistence, his never-giving-up. It made me feel hopeful and reminded me of how much joy I used to get from reading Batman comics, watching the movies or TV shows. I did enjoy this book and would recommend it, but I am weird. I used to listen to a podcast where a psychologist would analyse each Batman: The Animated Series episode while I did my maths homework.

Now I know what you are probably wondering. “Is Batman crazy?” The answer is “Apparently not in his world.”

Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir

I had this book on my TBR for a while, but I decided to read it since the movie just came out. I am going to watch the movie, but I I started the book first so choose to finish it before. I don’t know how much is a spoiler, but basically, our hero, Ryland Grace, wakes up with memory loss on a spaceship, the sole survivor of a mission to save the planet. We follow him in the past and present as memories come to him, and he tries to piece together what happened and what he needs to do. The book is written in first-person narrative and is very exposition-heavy because there is a lot of science to explain. I have a science degree and had forgotten a lot, so I was glad of it. But as the character works as a teacher, it seems natural because he doesn’t automatically assume people know what he’s talking about and is able to break down complex ideas into bite-sized chunks, which a lot of scientists struggle with. (Speaking from personal experience).

The book had my full attention while reading it, and it feels like we are constantly accelerating. However, around the ending of the book it loses its pacing. I felt it had a false ending. At that point, it just felt like a complication for the sake of it, but from what we learned about Ryland, it was needed for his character, as up to that point he was going through the motions, whereas this obstacle forced him to decide with real stakes. I thoroughly enjoyed the book and recommend it to anyone who enjoys science fiction or thrillers.

The adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

I started this book not because of a sudden urge to read classics, but because I am trying to get through the Booker Prize books of 2024. One of them is James by Percival Everett, which is based on this series. So, I should take this opportunity to read this book. I was reading between sets at the gym, so it took me forever to finish! Mostly because I used to read while doing cardio, and on my new schedule, I haven’t been doing that. In this book, we follow 10-year-old Tom Sawyer on his adventures in St. Louis. Twain’s intention with the book was to remind adults of their childhood. I think he achieved that. A lot of the stuff Tom did, and his thought process was similar to how kids operate. At least from what I remember of my childhood and the games we played. That was my only thought; otherwise, it was fine the racism that existed in the time period is there, especially with the N-word usage. I will continue reading the adventures of Huckleberry Finn. He is introduced in this book, and I am really interested in what he gets up to. Maybe next month.

Following Lorde in the early days was interesting because it seemed like she had beef with everyone. She would just say what was on her mind, like she said David Guetta was creepy in a Times interview, and Taylor Swift was unrelatable. The list went on and on. Clevver News made a video with like 20 celebrities Lorde had dissed. Now she isn’t that forthcoming, but she isn’t 16 either. In the latest deep pop culture lore involving Lorde is the infamous PowerPoint on Google Drive in 2018, where someone analysed the album Melodrama as a secret message from Lorde to Jack Antonoff. It is very unhinged. Then there was the supposed beef between her and Charli XCX that gave us two bangers because Girl, so confusing.

Music-wise, I wasn’t a big fan of Pure Heroine; I wouldn’t skip Tennis Court or Royals, but I wouldn’t seek them out either. I think Yellow Flicker Beat and the album Melodrama were more my vibe. After Melodrama, I felt like, “ok, Lorde, I am listening.” Listen, I did: Solar Power, I listened to as soon as it came out, and the Te Reo Māori version. Thought it was super cool she did that. Solar Power to me is the music you listen to when you are lying on a beach, and as I listen to music when I am doing stuff, I haven’t revisited it really.

How did I get here?

I knew Lorde had a new album out, but I hadn’t listened to it when she announced her Ultrasound World Tour. At first, we were publicly outraged that there were no NZ dates. Then they were released, so no love lost. What happened was my friend and her friends wanted to go, they asked me if I wanted to join, and I agreed. That was like the longest-term plan I made at the time. We got tickets, and it was sorted.

New Album

It was after buying the tickets that I listened to the album, and I liked it. It was a bit more mature and similar to Melodrama; for example, I feel like What was That reminds me of Greenlight. The album is 20 minutes long, and I haven’t listened to it enough to pick a favourite or rank them, but I like What was That, Hammer, Favourite Daughter, GRWM, Broken Glass,and Current Affairs. Maybe I like the whole album, don’t judge me. I was well-prepared and really looking forward to hearing Broken Glass live.

Concert Day

I am based in Wellington, so getting to the Lorde concert was a bit more involved than I would have liked, but everything was smooth sailing. We got there as the Opening Act started. The first thing I noticed was that the crowd was around my age, so it seems to me that Lorde has not been attracting a younger fanbase as some artists do.

Opening Act: Kevin Abstract

I will be honest, I wasn’t a fan of the Opening Act. Kevin Abstract seemed like an odd choice both thematically, and I don’t know how his fanbase aligns with Lorde’s. Like, we were trying to be enthusiastic because he seemed like a nice guy, but I don’t get it. The truth is that his rap style isn’t something I would listen to. He seemed nervous because he used to be in the rap group Brockhampton and is new to performing alone. I wish him the best, although I don’t think I will be diving deeper into his music.

Lorde

The main event started an hour in, right on time. Lorde came out, like I expected, in a t-shirt and jeans. We began with Hammer, and the crowd immediately matched her energy. There was no point at which I thought people were getting bored or tired, or that the show was dragging. The setlist was pretty good; it had a mix of old favourites thrown into the new album, so there was at least something you would know.

The show was a bit weird, but they used the stage well, and Lorde sang energetically throughout. She kept mentioning how hot she felt, while I regretted not bringing a jacket. I am not going to go performance by performance, but some incredible moments were during Broken Glass, when she channelled the pressure to look a certain way by tightening her belt before taking it off. During Greenlight, the entire concert was lit green. There were some weird moments when she stripped to a silver bra, and the screen focused on her torso as streaks of silver mimicked rivulets, as if she were in a shower. She also walked across the crowd wearing a reflective jacket. My favourite moments were when she sang Ocean Feeling in Te Reo Māori. I spent my time vibing, singing along and enjoying myself. Liability was another one that got very emotional.

I think concerts give us a glimpse of the performer and let us learn something new about them. Lorde was no exception; we learned that after Solar Power, she thought she wasn’t going to make music anymore. She ended up on a journey of self-discovery, feeling she didn’t know who she was deep down. So, this album was inspired by her being reborn in a way. It turned into a motivational speech halfway through. At that point, it was something I needed to hear, but I can’t remember what that thing was right now.

Conclusion

Lorde was amazing, and I am glad I got to see her live. It was a lot of fun, and I am grateful to have gone with my friend who is a rib. Hope she continues to make music, because I know I will want to listen. If you can see her live, then please do.

I think it is worth mentioning that this relates to shopping, especially for salwar suits and Chanya cholis (lehengas). Unfortunately, your experience is going to be shaped by your weight and height. But I think that is true for dress shopping here as well, and there are options for plus-size people; you just have to look harder. Storekeepers will constantly tell you “your size is hard to find, and you won’t see this item again.” I guess creating a scarcity mindset, but there are options, though some stores (the smaller ones) will warn you they don’t have your size. It is just what it is. So, here is my experience.

Navsari

I think we really exhausted Navsari, we went to showrooms, and nearly every store. We even drove by Shantadevi, where most locals do their shopping. The good thing about shopping in Navsari is that it is local, so you can take advantage of the tailors available there and get items made if you are in a crunch. The biggest stores generally are Paresenath, Minaxi, and Anokhi. There are options for stitched and unstitched, but Paresenath only sells stitched pieces; they do make adjustments such as adding sleeves and tightening or loosening. Some places have fixed pricing, but others don’t. I think, overall, Minaxi has the best range, offering a broader selection of items that NRIs will like. It is, however, the more expensive option compared to other places, even after you have bargained. The thing I didn’t like about shopping in Navsari is that the sellers aren’t very enthusiastic; they will show you four items and, if you don’t want anything, try to convince you to pick one rather than show you more. I brought my palazzo suit, my metallic pink one and my multi-coloured Chanya cholis from here.

Chikhli

My sister didn’t find anything she liked in Navsari, so we decided to go to Chikhli, a town an hour away. Here we went to Nanak and Aashirvaad. I didn’t shop at Aashirvaad, but my dad liked their menswear. I think Aashirvaad had limited plus-size options, based on what my sister told me. So, Nanak is a showroom that sells casual to formal wear for everyone. We were looking at Chanya cholis for my sister, and they had a range of unstitched and stitched ones. They will sew the Chanya for you, and you have to find someone for the blouse, but they will make alterations on the stitched ones. The store Nanak has fixed prices. They had more patience here than the people in Navsari, as they kept showing us everything they had. I wasn’t going to buy anything, but my dad kept pressuring me, and so I ended up buying the green Chanya choli. The problem with buying from Nanak didn’t occur until we went to try to get the blouses sewn, as there was too much material on my one and too little on my sister’s, since, to save space, they overlapped the back and front. It was pretty disappointing as she finally found something she liked. But we were able to get fabric dyed to match the Chanya and use that for the dress. So, we learned a lesson: check the blouse material to see if it’s possible to make a choli with it. (I think this could have happened in other places, too.)

Surat

For my other cousin’s wedding, we decided to go to Surat, also known as the Silk City and the largest textile hub in India. There are many showrooms and clothes stores, but we weren’t interested in that. W went to the Bombay market, which is a shopping complex with endless stores. With the Bombay market, you need someone familiar with clothing and a strategy. One of our aunties owned a sari shop, so she is informed about clothes, and we decided the best way to not get overwhelmed was to only go to shops if we liked something on the mannequins outside.

The shops here are somewhat wholesalers, and so the clothes are cheaper than they are in Navsari, like something that would be 20K in Navsari, you could get for 10K here. There is a lot of confusion about prices because most stores have “fixed prices,” but then there is a 50% discount on the clothes, and then a further 10% discount on that as well. So, you have to take their word on prices. But the variety in the stores was huge, with the types of Zari work and the materials you could get. We made sure to check the blouse fabric this time. It is a bit overwhelming walking there as the shopkeepers are constantly trying to get you to come into their stores, but you get used to drowning out the noise. I liked how they were willing to show you all the stock they had, and if you didn’t like it, they would show you more. Something to consider is that the shops aren’t very accessible, as they are all three stories and there are no lifts. We would generally climb up to look at things and then go down to show our mum. But they do accommodate people who can’t climb up stairs by bringing the stock to the ground floor. We had so much fun looking at everything, and I brought my blue and cream-coloured ones from here.

Valsad

Throughout the highway in and out of Navsari, there are billboards for Rajwadi, a showroom in Valsad. We were curious about what was available here, and on one of our trips to Dhaman (don’t ask), we decided to drop into Valsad. The problem was that it was a Sunday, and Rajwadi was closed. We thought it would be open because Google said it was. Alas, maybe we can go visit next time.

Final Thoughts

I usually don’t enjoy clothes shopping, but I had fun here. I think it is because of the option of having clothes tailored. What we noticed was that we found that the 2000s are back because a lot of the clothes we thought: “isn’t this old, I wore this as a kid.” But it is back. I noticed there wasn’t much colour variety: most stores have lots of pieces in trending colours, but not much in non-trending ones. If I had to go shopping again, I would first go to Bombay market because I like looking at everything, and I would also know what is available elsewhere. I would also go sightseeing in Valsad, but for funsies. But I brought a lot of clothes and think I am sorted for the next ten years with how many weddings I get invited to.

The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller

No, I am not having a crisis… So, last month, I read Attached, and as I mentioned, I wasn’t sold on the book. However, the Goodreads review I agreed with mentioned this book, so I read it. If you had to read one, I would suggest this one, as it examines attachment theory in the context of somatic therapy and relates it to trauma, revealing what shaped your style. It doesn’t try to put you in a box. Instead, it’s like “hey, if you identify with this, look into this. What I liked about it is the author had a very gentle and reassuring tone, and the exercises and “homework” were framed in an it’s what you can do rather than the other book, which focused on t interpersonal relationships. It was a really ‘here is what you can do’ rather than a ‘here is what you should expect from others.’ I think this is useful even if you are a sceptic.

We solve Murders by Richard Osman

Richard Osman took a break from the Thursday Murder Club series to write this book. I picked this up because I have enjoyed the Thursday Murder Club books so far, and the premise of this one was interesting. We solve murders follows Steve Wheeler, a retired police officer turned Private Investigator, who is reluctantly enlisted into helping his daughter-in-law, Amy, a private bodyguard, solve murders while there is a bounty on her. The star of this whole book is the best-selling author Rosie, whom Amy is tasked with protecting. She knows everyone, and everyone loves her- and I can’t blame them. I feel that this book isn’t as good as the Thursday Murder Club series; however, it is fun, and some parts did make me laugh out loud. I think that there was too many characters, too many twists, and too many different settings. I feel it was a bit overindulgent. What I really liked about this book is the use of generative AI. The book has a villain who masks his correspondence using ChatGPT. I found this incredibly original - AI done right! Even though it isn’t as good as the Thursday Murder Club series, there is a lot to enjoy here if you are a fan or want a “cosy” murder series.

Orbital by Samantha Harvey

I read this because, in 2024, I wanted to read all the books nominated longlisted for the Booker Prize, so I could decide what I thought ought to win before the winner was announced. There are a few issues, the first being that most of them aren’t even available here until they are nominated, let alone at the library. Which means I have read 5 of them so far, I think. This book here was the winner, and I don’t think it is for me, but it is short. It follows six astronauts as they orbit Earth in a shuttle. The book is not plot-focused, but instead focuses on the prose and the Earth, its beauty, its enormity, and how it is everything, and we are nothing, that sort of thing. There were many books like it in the longlist, and I found this to be one of the weaker ones. The way the Earth is described is pretty and obviously space-related, but I don’t think it is a book I will revisit. Of the Booker Prize nominees of that year, ‘Creation Lake’ by Rachel Kushner is still my favourite, but we will see if that changes.

The SafeKeep by Yael van der Wouden

Another book that was longlisted for the Booker Prize in 2024, I enjoyed this more than Orbital; it is probably my second favourite. The book is set in the 1960s Netherlands, and we have Isabel, who lives a solitary life; her peace is disrupted when her brother’s girlfriend, Eva, comes to stay. I think that with this story, you get to choose what you want to take from it, whether it is romance, thriller, or mystery. I found it original, as I mentioned previously, that I wasn’t previously aware of what happened after the war, and this does delve into some of it. Would definitely recommend.

Moral Ambition: Stop Wasting Your Talent and Start Making a Difference by Rutger Bregman

In my current job search phase, I don’t have career aspirations, and I thought this book might help me. The author claims that with 80,000 work hours in your lifetime, shouldn’t we be doing something to better humanity than only ourselves? It goes on to discuss individuals with moral ambition in the past, the various movements focused on improving society, and the factors that motivate people to help. I think that if the future of society makes you feel hopeless and powerless, like me. This book helped me feel a bit more optimistic because it suggests that you do have more power than you think, as most people don’t care to influence the world. There is some truth to this; the book did discuss how to make the most of what you have (if possible) and tackle minor, fixable problems rather than creating the fair, equal society we would want to live in. The criticism I have is that the book focused more on awakening this inner moral ambition but did little to provide you with the tools to use it. As it states that the movement requires a wide range of skills, but unless you plan to start a charity or become an entrepreneur, there is little you can do with the information provided here. Which seems pointless because I don’t think people who aren’t sold on the idea would pick this book up anyway. The book didn’t influence my career aspirations at all but did make me reconsider what being more ethical can look like.

Final Thoughts

These were the final books I read of the year. I think that if I evaluate all the books I read, there were a lot more that I enjoyed than not. There weren’t any that I actively hated, and the ones I didn’t enjoy weren’t ones that I had strong feelings about. Since I didn’t discuss the first few books I read this year, it wouldn’t make sense to highlight ones I like or dislike. Sorry. Next year, I am going to be less ambitious in my reading goal. I am going to set my list to 10 books because I have a lot of books over 500 pages on my ‘to-read’ list that I don’t pick up. So, I want to reduce the books from that list. Wish me luck, and I hope we all have a great new year ahead of us.

Mariah Carey has sixteen music albums, and of them all, The Emancipation of Mimi is my favourite. It contains the songs that made me fall in love with Mariah. With every year that has gone by, I become obsessed with a different song from that album. She hadn’t released new music since 2018, so I was excited when she announced that she would release new music this year. The new album is called Here for It All; yes, it did make it into my top five albums of the year. Since there is enough distance, I feel it would be fun to go and review the songs and give my thoughts. (I am not a music student, so I can’t comment on the genre influences, on the intricacies of melodies, unless it’s obvious) Music is not my strength.

Mi

I like this song; it has a fun vibe. Mariah sings about being a DIVA and how she likes nice things and doesn’t care about things that have nothing to do with her. We love an unbothered queen. It’s a strong opening and is fun and light.

Play this song (feat. Anderson Pak)

This song has a softer tone than the first one. Mariah tells an ex-lover that she knows he feels sad after the break-up and that she has changed, if they want to try again, but she doubts it. Mairah, although private, also uses her personal life to write songs; some examples, revealed through her memoir, include “The Roof” and “My All,” which are about Derek Jeter. She did break up with her longtime boyfriend, Brian Tamaka, last year, so this song could be about that. But yeah, I will definitely “play this song by myself.”

Type Dangerous

This has a hip-hop vibe; on the surface, it’s about Mairah being a diva, and how she is looking for that dangerous type of love because she is not afraid of love. She also revisits some of her past relationships and explores the issues that led to their breakdown. Very, very subtle though. I like it.

Sugar Sweet (feat. Shenseea & Kehlani)

I think this is my favourite song on the album. It’s pretty catchy, and I feel the collaboration works well; everyone complements each other. It’s basically about keeping a relationship light and breezy, and the song feels that way as well.

In Your Feelings

This is a ballad, I think. It is another break-up song, probably about Tamaka. We have Mariah referencing a break-up; some references mention that he couldn’t handle her success, and she needed to let him go. She is sad but didn’t reveal it to him; instead, she focused on how she only had time to take a picture, as if he is just a fan.

Nothing is Impossible

This song is a ballad, like the song “Hero,” in that Mariah sings about overcoming adversity in her life with her inner strength. I like it. I can see it joining Hero when I need inspiration to tackle difficult things that I feel I can’t do, like a deadlift with proper form.

Confetti & Champagne

As a fan of Confetti by Little Mix, I had already decided I would like this song from the name alone. This is also a break-up song, in that Mariah is saying that even without her ex, her life is still a celebration, as there are always confetti and champagne. Who are we to argue with that?

I Won’t Allow It

This song is a diss track against an ex who used her for fame, and she says she won’t allow that. She asks the question “what is he going to do when he goes broke?” I am unsure if it is about Brian Tamaka because he didn’t really gain fame from her (like Brian who?) Whereas Nick Cannon, she does mention her billionaire ex, James Packer, whom she dated after Nick. But anyway, what this song really reminds me of is Year 13 camp.

What happened at camp, was that a primary school with 5-7 years olds was also staying there at the same time. On the first day there, the camp accidentally booked both of our schools for the pool at the same time. We weren’t ready for the pool, so our teachers left us to sort that out. Me and a couple of the other Year 13 students were chatting when a teacher from the other school came over and spent 10 minutes yelling at us about how he would not let us get into the pool with his children. He kept repeating, “I won’t allow it.” We were too stunned to speak because, first, we were standing there in our civilian clothes; it wasn’t as if we had any authority over this pool situation, and why would we want to share the pool with kids? They’re a petri dish of germs. As the mature teenagers we were, we made fun of the rant, and by the next day, we had turned “I won’t allow it” into a meme. Which we quoted religiously all throughout Year 13 camp. So, the song reminds me of that moment.

My Love

The song has a gospel infusion and is about how only my love does it good. Romantic, but it’s not as deep or as specific as the other songs. She sounds terrific, though.

Jesus, I Do (feat. The Clark Sisters)

Mairah is deeply religious, and many of her songs have a gospel influence, as seen in this one. It is an upbeat song about how Jesus helps her when she is feeling down. I like her faith in God, and I imagine this song could be popular to sing in a Church choir; obviously, I wouldn’t know.

Here For It All

Mairah said this is her favourite ballad to record, and her vocals are good on this song. She is telling someone that she is here for it all, the good, the bad and everything in between. It is a strong song, and I can see why the album was named after it.

Final Thoughts

I like the album, and having listened to it many times, it hasn’t affected the way I feel. I feel like it goes through a lot of the different stages in what is happening in Mariah’s life, her grief, her break-up, the new career milestones, like last year she was nominated for the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame. That sort of thing. I like the album; it is an easy listen and features a mixture of upbeat, fun songs, and slow ones. I feel that some of the songs blend into each other, which means I can’t differentiate them easily. I didn’t listen to many albums this year, so this is among my favourites. But I don’t think it will be my favourite Mariah Carey album, nor would it be in the top 5. She doesn’t really cover anything she hasn’t done before, and to be honest, what does she have left to prove? Certainly, nothing to me. Now that I’ve written this, I can put it aside and listen to her Christmas album on loop. Because I am obsessed as always.